Dear Humans: a Love Letter of Sorts

Today I woke up in a dream and wandered the countryside with the dirt under my feet, the breeze in my hair, the sunshine on my shoulders and the buzz of nature in my ears. It was better than coffee. It was sublime. With moments like these I can't help but feel immensely grateful for life and for the relationships and experiences that I have cultivated, enjoyed, and learned in.

Relationship indeed requires cultivation and commitment to the process of growth.  In relationship with self and others we must participate in the entire process from planting the seed of truth, weeding, and nurturing faith that if tended mindfully there will be a harvest to reap.  Relationship is hard work, there is no doubt about it; however, we have incredible power in when we choose to grow based on what we are willing to see (be unafraid of). Recently I have been thinking a lot about shame, guilt, and worry and how these emotions can impede or improve relationship depending on how we relate to them, rather than be blinded or disabled by whatever fear fuels them.

Shame, guilt, and worry are emotions in which we have great power to move into a new space by willingly seeing what is within or without that requires attention. Make a different choice, ask for forgiveness, or speak a truth.  Be nakedly honest about where the emotion is rooted. Embrace all emotions for it is the sum that makes us beautifully human, but remember: Do the work and you DON'T have to live there.

Some steps are harder than others, but building relationship upon truth is a journey worth taking. 

Love.

Changes on the Horizon

It's been two years and two months since I dipped my toe into the blogging world and I am finally ready to make some major changes. Seriously, this blog is moldy oldy lovely, but the sad truth is that I've written nearly five times the amount of posts in comparison to what I have actually published in the past two years.  

What does this mean for us and our future relationship? It means that I will be creating a more suitable space to share my thoughts, experiences, and wonderings with you, openly, honestly, and as freely as I do in my physical world interactions. 

Stay tuned, I think we will both like where this is going. 

Love.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful Mama

Happy Birthday to one of the most amazing women in my life: my mama.  

Papa and Mama, Family Vacation Hawaii 2010

I have always admired the way she lives her life with vigor. If asked for her opinion she doesn't give it sugar coated, but she always gives it real. She's loud, she loves big, she laughs often, and she forgives. She lives fully and grows when the opportunities arise because she forgives herself, and others. She is a great example for being, learning, and loving freely. She lives her life and not anyone else's. I am a woman who aspires to be like my mama.

Exactly a year ago I called my mother and sang her happy birthday (as I do and have always done for those I love except this year due to surgery), and it was thanks to that experience that I finally considered shedding an idea I've held about myself since childhood.  I've mentioned before that although I loved to sing as a child I was not very good, and I was very loud. I didn't reach mama directly last year on the first try and decided to leave a singing message. She called me back almost immediately and I could have never expected her response, which was in essence, Anna! you don't completely suck at singing! I hadn't realized how powerful my mama's opinion was in me being willing to shed any self doubt and see if, I could actually sing.  Moreover, I realized that maybe it's not simply something you can do or not do, but possibly a skill that could be developed.  I decided a year ago that I would gift myself singing lessons for my birthday, and although the accident occurred two weeks before I was to begin, I'm anxious to be fully healed so that I can give it a real try before deciding I'm incapable.

Thank you for always believing in me and for always encouraging me to pursue my passions. Thank you for living your life on your terms and for being a beautiful example. I love you.

facing fear & embracing change

It's Wednesday: exactly a week before my next surgery. It is also Broken Mic poetry night. Before my last surgery in November I finally punched my fear in the face and read a poem I had written for the first time at Broken Mic. I all but ran away from the mic as the last words left my mouth, but after attending Broken Mic regularly for almost a year I was so glad to have finally overcome my fear. I decided a couple weeks ago that reading again before my next surgery would be a good step for me. My Grandfather (Papa) has been in my thoughts more than usual lately as we approach the time of year he passed, and rather than sharing my poetry I will be reading the following poem written by Kim Stafford. Kim Stafford never knew Papa, but awoke from the night to allow these words to paper. This poem makes my heart smile beyond words and not only am I unafraid to read tonight, I am excited. I am excited to continue to recognize, embrace and shatter my fears.

A voice from Marvin Bernards, heard in the night by
      Kim Stafford, husband of Perrin, friend of
      Margie...February 13, 2005


I may not sound the way you knew me then-
when I was named and walked among you all.
When I was farmer, father, and your friend.
The time has come to whisper in you softly now,
      the way I could not tell you then:

"How great thou art," you sang me softly
when you gathered in my name.
I saw you in the chapel bowed and still
when one by one I heard you think for me.
"Then sings my soul, How great thou art."

When alive I thought the barn must open,
the tractor start, and all things hum and roll.
Now I see you all around me toiling.
On the land I call you all to praise:
"How great thou art! Then sings my soul,
      How great thou art,"

In the ground our destiny is growing,
from the sky our light comes gold and low.
In your hands my work goes onward singing
"How great thou art." So sings my soul for you:
      How great thou art."