I am a writer.

**Fine Print.. I was working on this post at the end of May when my macbook was stolen, which further delayed my return to the blogging world**

Two days ago I set myself free, free to write confidently, lively, and openly. Free to write without self judgment or self doubt. Free to let my words create their own form.

The truth is that I have had a hard time posting lately, not only because I have very little spare time, but because I was my own greatest barrier. My previous posts were painfully pulled from my fingertips; I was excited with the subject matter and generally happy with the end result, but I have been frustrated with the process.

Technical writing being my main experience, I had put myself in such a box that I could barely function. I didn't know everything that I was going to write in this forum before I started writing and as such my previous writing techniques were ineffective and confining.

Example. In college when writing papers, regardless of the length or subject (mainly political science, philosophy, economics), once a sentence became formed it remained the same; as each paragraph was finished, it was finished and not revisited. When I reached the end of a paper, I did not need to go back and check for spelling or grammatical errors. I understood what I wanted to communicate, I understood how my thoughts, ideas, and sentences would connect and flow both logically and powerfully before I ever started writing.

I am confident in my technical writing skills although I'll admit they could use some polishing; however, I held a significant amount of self doubt concerning my skills in any other form of writing. In retrospect, I realize that I held the belief I would fail at any other form. I realized my err two days ago. I was driving, and suddenly I thought, I am a writer. I couldn't stop smiling. Finally aware of my self doubt, I became ready to shed it.

Self Doubt: "A lack of faith or confidence in oneself."

It is disconcerting, deteriorating, and debilitating.

What good comes of self doubt?

Nothing. Nothing good comes of self doubt.

At this point in my life that is what I believe. Self doubt simply restricts expression, learning, experience, growth, and joy. Who wants that?

I intend to be a confident, dynamic, changing being as I continue to learn to live and to love. I will do it joyfully. I will dance in my endeavors. I will misstep, but I will accept it as part of the learning experience. Today, I have chosen to leave self doubt behind once and for all. If I am intrigued, I will question, explore, and experience. And then I will write, because hey, I am a writer.

In my experience, the quickest way to learn to become/do 'something' is to accept that we are already on our way there. We may be in the stages of learning to become, but even as we change and grow, we already exist as some form of what we intend to be. I am a writer now, even as I continue to learn to express myself better. I believe that we hinder the speed of our learning in this way. We realize what we want to be, but we don't let ourselves believe that we are it until we can do it in a way that satifies our "perfect." Why can't we be it throughout the process of learning as well? I guess I can say that I've learned to get out of my own damn way.

Of course, my mother would be thankful to hear that no amount of confidence will lead me to believe that I should express myself by singing. When I was in 3rd grade and trying out for a lead part in a school singing performance/play, she cried. Trust me, she had a reason to cry. I was terrible, but I sang it like I believed it. She cried out of love. Even though others may have been laughing, she was proud of me.

Honestly, I had no idea I was that terrible. She didn't tell me. Her love for me likely couldn't bear to break my spirit. I retained that fearless confidence throughout my youth. In the past months, this fearless confidence is what I have been working to regain. For now, I'm going to focus on writing: on scratch paper, in books, in a journal, online, anywhere I feel compelled.

Is there something you've hesitated to do because you've already decided that you can't? Can you let yourself try and fail, and try again? And enjoy the process, knowing that you're learning?

Set yourself free from self doubt. Love and accept any expression that may come, even if it means feeling like an awkward teenager sometimes as I'm assuming I will often in my early stages of writing freedom.

Writing is a way of saying something out loud. In both written and verbal expressions I find that the 'something' becomes a little more real and a lot more attainable.

What is your 'something'?

Say it out loud, even if you're the only one who's listening.

Love.